Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Dear Nashville Drivers,

Clearly the majority of you haven't got properly working brains, else you'd realize that you are all a danger to society. Perhaps if you all thought back to some of the RULES you had to learn to pass the written test, and maybe UTILIZED said rules, things wouldn't be so bad, but you people are fucking retards without souls so I shouldn't expect any less.

First off, let me remind you of the little stick to the left (door side for the higher level morons) of your steering wheel. This little stick is what activates your TURN SIGNAL. When you push the stick UP, this means you are going to turn to the right, or get into the right hand lane allowing other drivers to compensate with their brakes as needed. The same rule applies for turning to the left, or merging to the left - in this case, you push that little stick DOWN. Why people are unable to utilize this stick is beyond me, yet even the police officers don't take the time to use it - though they have no problem with pulling over drivers who neglect the mighty turn stick when quota time comes 'round.

There's also the issue of texting and driving. Just because you've got one of those little Blackberries, or some other "smartphone" does NOT mean you should be using it to do any of the following while you attempt to drive from point A to B, or C and D: Send Text Messages, Check E-Mail, Play on Twitter, Play on Facebook, Play on Youtube. There's now a law against texting and driving. Just because it doesn't actually say anything about e-mail, doesn't mean it's not illegal - it's fucking implied, and I dare any of you to take it to court and fight it. All you fuckers playing on your phone while driving are a danger, and I'm just about sick of almost being run off the road by you texters, or you not going the speed limit, or riding my ass.

That's another thing - the whole tailgating thing, ESPECIALLY if you're riding the ass of someone who is already in the fast lane and going 20 miles over the speed limit is absurd, not to mention annoying, and I personally advocate the slamming of the brakes causing the tailgater to crash in some manner, possibly even into the one they're tailgating - ending in a massive settlement for the one who had to hit the brakes.

This isn't to say I have a problem with road rage - I also am a strong advocate of this mindset, having learned the delicate art many years ago while still following the "rules of the road" pretty closely.

Stopping at a red light does not mean it's time to check your Facebook wall or send a text, it's just a simple stop to let the other people continue their journey. That red light DOES END, and you should be watching when it does because there's people behind you that have places to be while you're sitting there; when the light turns green long enough to let 10+ cars go through, and only 3 are able to pass because of you texting or not knowing what the fucking color GREEN signifies, there's a problem, and you deserve to be shot.

If you're too old/blind to be able to see the SPEED LIMIT SIGNS or are too senile to actually comprehend what they mean, you should probably be on the bus, in a cab, or somewhere OTHER than the drivers seat.

Those of you foreigners that can't read and/or speak English (if you come across this translate the page), WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DRIVING?!?! Clearly you shouldn't have been able to pass any of the tests without knowing English, and therefore should NOT be on the road at all as you're a constant danger, especially you African women with your habits and Moto-Razr phones shoved up the side where it holds to your ear while you quack to your other people.

To Summarize:
Green Means Go, not sit there
Blinkers are still put in cars for a reason, not just to look pretty
Text Messages should be done from the passenger seat or OUTSIDE THE CAR
Non-Englishers should NOT be driving.
If you can't see the speed limit signs, DON'T FUCKING DRIVE!

Until next time people, start fucking learning!

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