Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Dear Teenage Whores,

Dear Teenage Whores,

You're all over the place these days. You think it's cool to be giving blowjobs when you're 11, you have things like Pregnancy Pacts, others of you whine when you get pregnant. Let me break some things down for you.

First off, you're all fucking stupid! For those of you who are whining that you got pregnant, perhaps you shouldn't have been spreading your legs at your age! I've seen girls that are 11 and 12 years old that are expecting their 2nd and 3rd kids, kids they dump off on their own parents and end up just like them. We all know that schools should be teaching sex-ed, but we also all know that kids can find all the proper information on the internet, though lately they seem to be looking for ways to refine their oral techniques.

Really, what the fuck's wrong with you kids that at your age you think you need to be giving head and getting fucked, especially without condoms. They're not one of those age limited things to buy, and even the boys your age can wear the smallest ones. Remember, just because a boy is 11 with a little dick doesn't mean he can't make a baby, though clearly some of you girls don't have a brain and allow your mate to rely on the "pull out" or just not care. To make it short, if you didn't want to get knocked up, maybe you should have done one of the following, and NONE of them is really acceptable when you're too fucking young: gave a handjob, gave a blowjob, stuck to anal, used a condom, NOT SPREAD YOUR FUCKING WHORISH LEGS!

Recently, I was stuck on the bus with a bunch of kids from Hume Fogg Magnet School, mostly 9th and 10th graders from the pre/barely pubescent sounds of their voices. I was utterly shocked at some of the things I heard (though with the internet these days, I don't know why). These little 12-14 year olds were talking very seriously about sexual acts that TO THIS DAY I probably wouldn't even consider, and most of which I'd not even heard of or thought about when I was their age, and I was a horny kid.

One conversation in particular really disgusted me, in which a girl who'd apparantly just had her 13th birthday party was talking about the things she and her boyfriend did that night, including the words deep throat, up the ass, and creampie. That wasn't so much the shocking part as her explanation of why she did these things: because "that bitch he was fucking last week before we we started going out let him do all kinds of shit and I ain't letting her get him back."

Now, it's one thing to hear stories that high school kids tell each other about their massive conquests, like the story I heard some of last week between two boys, one of which whose voice hadn't even started changing and the other who was CLEARLY the biggest nerd I'd ever seen. The nerd was telling of the "hottest girl at school" just happily accepting an invitation to come to his house, where he lives with his grandmother, to play video games. First off, no girl labeled as the hottest at school is going to be coming to play video games with a nerd. He then told of how she said she was "hot" and removed her shirt and bra, and sat in his lap. Then he told of how she started kissing him, and told him the words "whip it out", something I've almost never heard a female say, much less a 9th grade "hottest girl in school". That, and the following descriptions of how big he was not only proved the story was fake, but caused me to get up and move to another seat far away from these boys for the remainder of my ride.

Don't get me wrong, that's the kind of story we all used to tell when we were in school, and its the kind you can clearly tell are bullshit. It's the stories that the magnet kids, the girls in particular, were telling that were clearly NOT just made up things. These little girls weren't embellishing anything, they were talking very seriously, and it's really fucking sickening. Don't their parents teach them anything? Give them boundaries? Perhaps discipline them? I personally am an advocate of a swift kick to a kids ass for bullshit, but too many people call that abuse these days. Maybe there wouldn't be so many pregnant 11 year old's if they got slapped a couple of times by momma.

Then we have the "Pregnancy Pact" girls; the girls who get together, make a promise to all be pregnant by a certain time, then take to fucking as many guys as possible to achieve their goal. I'm not talking about the Lifetime Movie either, I'm talking about the ones from the news, and the ones who pull that shit yet don't get reported. Why do they do it? You'd have to ask one that's involved. Personally, I think they've figured out that at their age, and being single, they can get money from the government and not have to work, as well as have their families take up the burden of raising their bastard crotch spawn for years to come.

That pregnancy pacts happen is fact, despite the fictional accounts from various tv shows (ie. Law and Order SVU, Bones, and Lifetime specials). These girls have some kind of problem mentally, and by the time these things are discovered, the damage is done and they're carrying their first (or second or third) child.

The moral of these stories comes down to the following: If you're not an adult, don't fucking act like one unless you're ready for the consequences. There's no need to be showing off your cooch or your tits when you're 11, you'll only attract sex offenders, and while other people might call you "innocent", by dressing and acting like you do, you're only bringing such pain onto yourselves. Your parents are also to blame, by allowing you to dress and act like little whores in the first place.

Don't be afraid to abort the kid either, it's your puss, your decision (as long as you don't wait too long). Sure, you could carry the kid to term, raise it, put it up for adoption (which is what the pro-lifers would say), but it's really not their call is it?

The Insane Ones, Part 1: Jason Derulo

Dear Jason Derulo,

After hearing your annoying "In My Head" song, I've come to realize that you are CLEARLY not of sound mind. I have to wonder if you've sought out help for these hallucinations of yours, or if you are secretly stalking the one you're "seeing" in your head.

Not only are you seeing things, but the things you are seeing apparently shift and change, marking you as mid-grade schizophrenic at least.

Example, in your head, this "you" fulfills your fantasy, and in another mention the "you" is a criminal.

I have to wonder if the beginning of the "song" is also one of your delusions because you obviously haven't grasped something important; People do NOT go to clubs to find "love", they go to find either cock or a wet vagina to penetrate, or to get drunk and dance. People no longer go to clubs to find "love", they know better - they either find it on facebook, or other public places, but clubs and bars are for drinking, partying and whoring. I guarantee you that finding "love" is the last thing on someones mind.

It's also clear that you're really not looking for "love" yourself, unless you count skipping foreplay and going straight to the fucking as love. Me, I find that kind of sex to be just that; SEX. Plain old, nasty, filthy, hot wet sex. You also say that you'll be a teacher and show the ropes, perhaps this means you harbor fantasies of the young? Just a thought..

Obviously you've built this illusory world to sustain yourself, otherwise you'd not be singing about seeing these things in your head, you'd be singing about actually having done them.

Coming soon, Lady GooGoo, Justin Beaver, Spe$Huh, and anyone who's won on American Igganunt. If you can't figure out who I'm talking about then you probably shouldn't be here in the first place because you're the type of person this site was made to talk to.

Dear Nashville Drivers,

Clearly the majority of you haven't got properly working brains, else you'd realize that you are all a danger to society. Perhaps if you all thought back to some of the RULES you had to learn to pass the written test, and maybe UTILIZED said rules, things wouldn't be so bad, but you people are fucking retards without souls so I shouldn't expect any less.

First off, let me remind you of the little stick to the left (door side for the higher level morons) of your steering wheel. This little stick is what activates your TURN SIGNAL. When you push the stick UP, this means you are going to turn to the right, or get into the right hand lane allowing other drivers to compensate with their brakes as needed. The same rule applies for turning to the left, or merging to the left - in this case, you push that little stick DOWN. Why people are unable to utilize this stick is beyond me, yet even the police officers don't take the time to use it - though they have no problem with pulling over drivers who neglect the mighty turn stick when quota time comes 'round.

There's also the issue of texting and driving. Just because you've got one of those little Blackberries, or some other "smartphone" does NOT mean you should be using it to do any of the following while you attempt to drive from point A to B, or C and D: Send Text Messages, Check E-Mail, Play on Twitter, Play on Facebook, Play on Youtube. There's now a law against texting and driving. Just because it doesn't actually say anything about e-mail, doesn't mean it's not illegal - it's fucking implied, and I dare any of you to take it to court and fight it. All you fuckers playing on your phone while driving are a danger, and I'm just about sick of almost being run off the road by you texters, or you not going the speed limit, or riding my ass.

That's another thing - the whole tailgating thing, ESPECIALLY if you're riding the ass of someone who is already in the fast lane and going 20 miles over the speed limit is absurd, not to mention annoying, and I personally advocate the slamming of the brakes causing the tailgater to crash in some manner, possibly even into the one they're tailgating - ending in a massive settlement for the one who had to hit the brakes.

This isn't to say I have a problem with road rage - I also am a strong advocate of this mindset, having learned the delicate art many years ago while still following the "rules of the road" pretty closely.

Stopping at a red light does not mean it's time to check your Facebook wall or send a text, it's just a simple stop to let the other people continue their journey. That red light DOES END, and you should be watching when it does because there's people behind you that have places to be while you're sitting there; when the light turns green long enough to let 10+ cars go through, and only 3 are able to pass because of you texting or not knowing what the fucking color GREEN signifies, there's a problem, and you deserve to be shot.

If you're too old/blind to be able to see the SPEED LIMIT SIGNS or are too senile to actually comprehend what they mean, you should probably be on the bus, in a cab, or somewhere OTHER than the drivers seat.

Those of you foreigners that can't read and/or speak English (if you come across this translate the page), WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DRIVING?!?! Clearly you shouldn't have been able to pass any of the tests without knowing English, and therefore should NOT be on the road at all as you're a constant danger, especially you African women with your habits and Moto-Razr phones shoved up the side where it holds to your ear while you quack to your other people.

To Summarize:
Green Means Go, not sit there
Blinkers are still put in cars for a reason, not just to look pretty
Text Messages should be done from the passenger seat or OUTSIDE THE CAR
Non-Englishers should NOT be driving.
If you can't see the speed limit signs, DON'T FUCKING DRIVE!

Until next time people, start fucking learning!

Dear Marvel Comics,

Though I know you probably won't read this, I'm going to write it anyway.

You all have got some good and bad going for you lately, and there are some things that really just need to be done, people who really need to be killed off because they're boring and useless, people who need to be used properly.

This installment will mainly deal with the X-men part of your world, though there's other shit that's just plain stupid as well. My hope is that somehow, some way, one of you drones who write for Marvel might stumble upon this page, and maybe, one or two of my ideas will come to fruition. It won't happen, but that's because you all are too stupid to take suggestions from anyone but yourselves.

Let's start with some characters who should be killed off, changed, revived, or to use the popular phrase, "retconned" to be worth a shit.

The "To Kill list (Good Guys)"

1. Cyclops - Yeah, he's all deep and shit, but over the years he's gotten kind of boring and whiny, and now you've got him running people off the team. His being the first X-man notwithstanding, it's time for him to die.. and stay dead.

2. Rogue - You can really only bank on movie popularity for so long before it starts getting old, and this bitch was old back when the first cartoon was on.

3. Bishop - I can only hope you people have the brains to kill this retard off in this new "Second Coming" arc, because ya'll have really fucked him up with his whole insanity thing.

4. Cloak and Dagger - These two were boring when they first came out with all their anti-drug hoopla and guess what: THEY'RE STILL FUCKING BORING! MAKING THEM X-MEN ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE THE FACT THAT THEY'RE FUCKING BORING!

5. Prof. X - Isn't he like 80 years old or something? Why has he not died of old age, or gone senile?

6. The young/new x-men - Rockslide, Surge, Armor, X-23, Mercury - I know ya'll were going for some new folks on the team but.. they're just not right.

7. The Fantastic Four - Or at least a couple of them, starting with Reed Richards and Susan. Let'm get eaten by Galactus, or something that kills them to the point that they STAY DEAD. Besides, shouldn't their kid be.. I don't know, somewhat grown by now?

8. Colossus - You had the right idea when you "killed" him the first time, then had to fuck that story up.

9. Cannonball - Nuff' said.

10. Wolverine - Even if you bring him back in a few years, enough is enough. You people have changed where he came from so many times that nobody knows his real story, and it's just time for him to go. Incinerate him, blow him up, cut off his head, but just get rid of him.. maybe at the same time you do Cyclops in?

"The Kill List (Bad Guys)

1. Bastion - Enough with these damned super sentinels, they got old in the 90's. Please kill him in this "Second Coming" thing.

2. Arcade - He's another one that by my count should be getting on in years.

3. Vulcan - Bad retcon, really.. really bad retcon.

4. Cassandra Nova - Kill her off completely, none of this floating around shit.. murdered twin from the womb my ass.

5. Toad - Yet another one that should be getting quite old by now, and last I checked was just boring.

6. Baron Mordo - Ugh, just ugh

7. Any of the Marauders that are left - Really, Sinister's gone, why aren't they?

Now for some things that just need to be done/changed (though there will be additions to the Kill List in my next letter):

Send Emma back to the Inner Circle, she was much more fun there.
Have Magik, Amanda Sefton, Agatha Harkness, Madam Web, Dr. Voodoo, and maybe Mr. Strange (if he ever pops back up) all come together to reverse the M-Day bullshit and give the mutants back their powers.
If not the magic users, then let Franklin Richards do it with his reality warping powers.
Either bring Jean Grey back for good or kill her off for good, the whole bringing her back for short bursts is annoying.
Give Jubilee her powers back and have her be unafraid to use them for a change, maybe, oh, give her a good story.. even make her a VALUED member of the X-men, even as the "Last X-Man" that Bishop once recognized, since his future might actually be coming true which is why he's trying to kill Hope.
Do what the Soap Operas on t.v. should do, get rid of most of the newbies and focus on the vets - to an extent anyway.
Have X-men other than Beast and Wolverine be on a team like the Avengers. Maybe put Psylocke or Nightcrawler with them.
Have your "Illuminati" bring out the Infinity Gems for something, or have some villan that doesn't involve Thanos and has no connection to Adam Warlock steal them and use them - maybe Gamesmaster with his omnipathic powers.. or Xavier going nuts (facilitating the death I mentioned above), or even have Mr. Strange go insane over not being the "Sorcerer Supreme" anymore and get hold of them.
Enough with the whole bringing people back from the dead thing, it's been done so many times its just annoying.
Make Pixie do something other than play with a knife, throw dust, float around and teleport people, and have Illyana teleport with her mutant power as opposed to that teleporting spell she taught to Pixie.
Turn Amanda Sefton into a villain, have her use her magic in a dark way, perhaps another Inferno-ish story?
Either kill Apocalypse for good, or Archangel for good - the whole back and forth everytime they're around each other got old a decade ago.
Have the Watchers take a hand in something again instead of just sitting around Watching.
Have the Technarchy Magus meet the other Magus, maybe a team up?
Make sure to develop the Shatterstar/Rictor love affair, maybe throw in Northstar for a good triangle?
Maybe have Storm be the one to kill Cyclops.. or his own assassination squad, X-Force - having Wolverine die in the process.
Move Utopia to the Savage Land where they can be guarded by dinosaurs instead of some water.

Finally, here's a few more that should be killed off, just for good measure:

Spider Man, Iron Man, Captain America, Ms. Marvel, Gambit, Ka-Zar and Shanna (they're kinda old by now), Dormammu, Silver Surfer, Namor with his whininess, Black Panther, Marrow (hell, all of X-Cell), Quicksilver (then bring him back to kill him off again), and FOR FUCKS SAKE KEEP MADELINE PRYOR DEAD THIS TIME.

I'm done for now, Marvel Comics People, but rest assured that this won't be the last letter I write, or post.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Dear Opponents of Gay Adoption

You'd think with all the homeless, starving, orphaned, beaten - you get the idea - brats roaming around the world, and you don't want parents that want to adopt, take care of, nurture, and love like a fucking parent should love to be allowed to adopt them, just because they happen to be a couple of guys or girls that love each other and *gasp* fuck each other, as happy couples are wont to do.

In other words, your only reasons for not wanting gay people to adopt is because you are scared of the gay people. They gays are bad, clearly, and we all know why. Aside from the deplorables (not all of us gay people like other gay people mind you) and the "Chesters", most gay people are perfectly fit to raise kids, especially once they get past that whole bar phase and into staying in shape and living healthy (we'll all get there one day, it's part of being gay don't worry). Whatever are you people worried about? Kids that have a different view of the world? Some that might be cultured or *gulp* intelligent? Let's have a looksie at some of your kid's grades, or how horrendous your little crotch spawn behaves out in public.

Worried about kids growing up gay? Really, most of us wouldn't want our kid to grow up gay, even the gay parents, but I guess it's just the Homosexual Agenda that makes us want to raise straight kids if possible, only to prevent them all the BULLSHIT we generally had to put up with, especially coming out young! No no, god forbid we just support the kid no matter what it turns into in the future.. within reason, we at Letters don't condone acts of animal cruelty, reasonless murder, or any of that Michael Jackson Jesus Juice shit either.

Maybe you think we'll molest the kid? I'd personally rather gouge out my own eyes, and as much as this is gonna shock you, most of the gay guys I know would tell you the same fucking thing. Child molesters should be drawn and quartered personally, be they straight, gay, male, female, whatever! That being said, I would gladly join you in the hunt and slaying of a Chester, no matter who. People are inspected deeply before adoption is allowed, and yeah, sometimes you get bad parents that shouldn't adopt at all but as we all know, "little girls getting raped by adopt-a-daddy is okay as long as it's not one of those two daddy situations!"

It's a sin? We'll you can argue that in the comments, but as long as you're not subjugating you're wife at all times then you're sinning too!

Go with.. ya know.. someone!

Hello and Welcome

Just a quick message welcoming you to my site. Please, enjoy or hate the letters, written to those we all know are ungodly heathens, evil doing simpletons, or just plain stupid. Feel free to submit a letter of your own to letterstomorons@gmail.com.

It's not much to look at yet but it will be once I get the domain name and hosting space!

Until next time,

Keep Judging!