Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Dear Marvel Comics,

Though I know you probably won't read this, I'm going to write it anyway.

You all have got some good and bad going for you lately, and there are some things that really just need to be done, people who really need to be killed off because they're boring and useless, people who need to be used properly.

This installment will mainly deal with the X-men part of your world, though there's other shit that's just plain stupid as well. My hope is that somehow, some way, one of you drones who write for Marvel might stumble upon this page, and maybe, one or two of my ideas will come to fruition. It won't happen, but that's because you all are too stupid to take suggestions from anyone but yourselves.

Let's start with some characters who should be killed off, changed, revived, or to use the popular phrase, "retconned" to be worth a shit.

The "To Kill list (Good Guys)"

1. Cyclops - Yeah, he's all deep and shit, but over the years he's gotten kind of boring and whiny, and now you've got him running people off the team. His being the first X-man notwithstanding, it's time for him to die.. and stay dead.

2. Rogue - You can really only bank on movie popularity for so long before it starts getting old, and this bitch was old back when the first cartoon was on.

3. Bishop - I can only hope you people have the brains to kill this retard off in this new "Second Coming" arc, because ya'll have really fucked him up with his whole insanity thing.

4. Cloak and Dagger - These two were boring when they first came out with all their anti-drug hoopla and guess what: THEY'RE STILL FUCKING BORING! MAKING THEM X-MEN ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE THE FACT THAT THEY'RE FUCKING BORING!

5. Prof. X - Isn't he like 80 years old or something? Why has he not died of old age, or gone senile?

6. The young/new x-men - Rockslide, Surge, Armor, X-23, Mercury - I know ya'll were going for some new folks on the team but.. they're just not right.

7. The Fantastic Four - Or at least a couple of them, starting with Reed Richards and Susan. Let'm get eaten by Galactus, or something that kills them to the point that they STAY DEAD. Besides, shouldn't their kid be.. I don't know, somewhat grown by now?

8. Colossus - You had the right idea when you "killed" him the first time, then had to fuck that story up.

9. Cannonball - Nuff' said.

10. Wolverine - Even if you bring him back in a few years, enough is enough. You people have changed where he came from so many times that nobody knows his real story, and it's just time for him to go. Incinerate him, blow him up, cut off his head, but just get rid of him.. maybe at the same time you do Cyclops in?

"The Kill List (Bad Guys)

1. Bastion - Enough with these damned super sentinels, they got old in the 90's. Please kill him in this "Second Coming" thing.

2. Arcade - He's another one that by my count should be getting on in years.

3. Vulcan - Bad retcon, really.. really bad retcon.

4. Cassandra Nova - Kill her off completely, none of this floating around shit.. murdered twin from the womb my ass.

5. Toad - Yet another one that should be getting quite old by now, and last I checked was just boring.

6. Baron Mordo - Ugh, just ugh

7. Any of the Marauders that are left - Really, Sinister's gone, why aren't they?

Now for some things that just need to be done/changed (though there will be additions to the Kill List in my next letter):

Send Emma back to the Inner Circle, she was much more fun there.
Have Magik, Amanda Sefton, Agatha Harkness, Madam Web, Dr. Voodoo, and maybe Mr. Strange (if he ever pops back up) all come together to reverse the M-Day bullshit and give the mutants back their powers.
If not the magic users, then let Franklin Richards do it with his reality warping powers.
Either bring Jean Grey back for good or kill her off for good, the whole bringing her back for short bursts is annoying.
Give Jubilee her powers back and have her be unafraid to use them for a change, maybe, oh, give her a good story.. even make her a VALUED member of the X-men, even as the "Last X-Man" that Bishop once recognized, since his future might actually be coming true which is why he's trying to kill Hope.
Do what the Soap Operas on t.v. should do, get rid of most of the newbies and focus on the vets - to an extent anyway.
Have X-men other than Beast and Wolverine be on a team like the Avengers. Maybe put Psylocke or Nightcrawler with them.
Have your "Illuminati" bring out the Infinity Gems for something, or have some villan that doesn't involve Thanos and has no connection to Adam Warlock steal them and use them - maybe Gamesmaster with his omnipathic powers.. or Xavier going nuts (facilitating the death I mentioned above), or even have Mr. Strange go insane over not being the "Sorcerer Supreme" anymore and get hold of them.
Enough with the whole bringing people back from the dead thing, it's been done so many times its just annoying.
Make Pixie do something other than play with a knife, throw dust, float around and teleport people, and have Illyana teleport with her mutant power as opposed to that teleporting spell she taught to Pixie.
Turn Amanda Sefton into a villain, have her use her magic in a dark way, perhaps another Inferno-ish story?
Either kill Apocalypse for good, or Archangel for good - the whole back and forth everytime they're around each other got old a decade ago.
Have the Watchers take a hand in something again instead of just sitting around Watching.
Have the Technarchy Magus meet the other Magus, maybe a team up?
Make sure to develop the Shatterstar/Rictor love affair, maybe throw in Northstar for a good triangle?
Maybe have Storm be the one to kill Cyclops.. or his own assassination squad, X-Force - having Wolverine die in the process.
Move Utopia to the Savage Land where they can be guarded by dinosaurs instead of some water.

Finally, here's a few more that should be killed off, just for good measure:

Spider Man, Iron Man, Captain America, Ms. Marvel, Gambit, Ka-Zar and Shanna (they're kinda old by now), Dormammu, Silver Surfer, Namor with his whininess, Black Panther, Marrow (hell, all of X-Cell), Quicksilver (then bring him back to kill him off again), and FOR FUCKS SAKE KEEP MADELINE PRYOR DEAD THIS TIME.

I'm done for now, Marvel Comics People, but rest assured that this won't be the last letter I write, or post.

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